After years of selfishly journaling my stupid crushes, lame “secrets”, and, now that I have resorted to stream-of-conscious, censorship-free writing in the mornings-a whole lot about my stomach issues, I am finally striving to use my weird anecdotes and array of experiences for good-and laughter at my expense. I will finally be archiving my vast and strange job experiences so that you can learn the lessons that I have without ever stepping foot inside a Bar Mitzvah.
Since the appeal of reading blogs comes from a combination of entertainment and value to the reader, let me begin with all the ways you can use my precious foray into writing about the occupational hazards of gigs like selling shots to riffraff, modeling costumes you never thought there was a market for, getting scolded for giving too good of service at a restaurant, and much, much more:
1. Remove any obscenities or sexy parts and read it to the family as a bed time story.
2. Find out how to do similar jobs that I have (excluding helpful proper nouns of the people and places you would need to know to get said jobs).
3. Paraphrase or directly quote it for a research paper on the worst ways to make a living.
4. Avoid giving me a job, because you know I will write about it once any contract keeping me from writing about it is over.
5. Give me the job/neglect to sue for divulging secrets of previous job, knowing wisely that any publicity is good publicity.
6. Evade possible blunders when engaging in odd jobs-or go into the odd jobs having been made fully aware of the risks involved.
7. Get an inside look at subcultures I’ve dove into and societal labels that I I have briefly slapped upon myself (so that you may gain a deeper [if not entirely accurate] working knowledge of different walks of life).
8. Kindly pitch them to publishing companies behind my back, so that one day I might wake up to a book deal that prevents me from doing the archived jobs ever again.